August 2010


For some people, it’s cigars. Other people get into wine. Me? I’m a connoisseur of bad writing.

I guess it stems from a combination of the things I find funny and the social circles in through which I’ve moved. I’ve met writers who are exuberant about punctuation!!! I’ve known writers who unwittingly and repeatedly conflate idioms to amusing effect. And I’ve read boasting attempts at self-advancement by writers who are convinced that they “have Savvy.”

It’s a humble role, connoisseur of bad writing. It only pays in silent chuckles and head scratches. However, there is a special satisfaction that only comes from instantly recognizing the work of a bad writer. I felt that satisfaction this morning, while reading today’s Groupon email, $6 Cave and Museum Tour from Hidden River Cave Tour and American Cave Museum.

Please enjoy this piece, and keep in mind the pride that no doubt swells in its author’s chest. I’ve emphasized bits that gave me pause.

Caves have always been the best treasure-hiding spot due to their inaccessibility to light, crows, and Pat Boone’s treasure-grubbing yacht. Explore a treasurehole’s innards with today’s Groupon: for $6, you get an adult ticket to a general cave and museum tour (up to a $15 value) from Hidden River Cave Tour and American Cave Museum, located in Cave Horse about 1.5 hours from Louisville.

Before or after venturing 150 feet into the soft earth’s numbles, you’ll learn about the dark below in the museum’s light above. Get acquainted with almost every aspect of the underground universe, including curious cave dwellers, cave minerals, spelunking techniques, groundwater, and eyeless critters’ abilities to cry.

The tour of Hidden River Cave, which is part of the “caveland” east of Mammoth Cave National Park, starts as you walk through the cave’s natural entrance, an anomaly as caves are usually entered by curious children wielding breadknives. Then you’ll stand amid stately limestone and gaze at the dark waters of the beautiful below-ground river, while a friendly guide woos your ears with information about the history and science of the cave. The remains of a turn-of-the-century hydroelectric system, which was installed in the 1890s to give the surrounding area the ability to plug in treadmills, still survive amongst the cool, damp walls. Tours last 45–60 minutes and are scheduled frequently throughout the day.

A new classic for the genre.

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Hey guys. Sorry I missed the regular Monday. I was strategizing for tonight’s endless pasta bowl. WHICH brings us to our question: What five foods would you most enjoy in an all-you-can-eat setting?

Keep looking up.

No time. In a hurry. Quick, what are your five favorite fast food items?

“The Questions,” Common
“Invisible Touch,” Genesis
“What Is Truth,” Johnny Cash
“Laughter in the Rain,” Gap Mangione
“Gardenia,” Garrison Starr
“Bad Liver and a Broken Heart,” Hayes Carll
“Not For You,” Pearl Jam
“Concrete & Clay,” Unit 4+2
“Street Fighting Man,” The Rolling Stones
“Julianne,” Ben Folds Five

The engineers at Denny’s have put together the only thing that could ever get me back inside their restaurant:

Who’s with me?

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