movies


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Pictures from John’s fantastic meata/lotta/boxo’laya extravaganza last night are up.

When you’re done check out these amazing photos of the Nigerian movie biz. Really.

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Please, in all seriousness, never watch, rent, download, and/or recommend the movie Bug.

It’s horrible.

OK, folks. Small audience on this one, but it’s of astounding significance to those in the know.

Check out this screenplay about the 1974 tornado outbreak. And enjoy this particular exchange:

TONY
(slurring his words)
“Goddamned tornado sure made a mess of things!”

BODDICKER
(looking around the bar)
“Maybe for some. But it sure is boosting business around here.”

TONY
(taking another shot of Jim Beam)
“It may be boosting business in my line of work. The media is having a field day covering all of this. Photographers, every goddamned news reporter, and all! I even had that bastard Richard des Russeaux out taking a look at the damaged areas.”

BODDICKER
(a bit surprised by the remark)
“What’s so bad about des Russeaux?”

TONY
(obviously intoxicated)
“He’s a fucking idiot! And his articles suck!”

BODDICKER
(putting an empty glass away)
“Dude, I think you’ve had enough.”

If any of this means anything to you, you’re welcome. You’re so very, very welcome.

I’m stuck at home with a whiny Little Man today. He woke up with a 101-degree fever. It’s gone down some, but he’s still fussy and tired as he didn’t sleep well.

So what better time to give you an intimate glimpse into the life of a supercool dad? I’ll be updating this post as the day goes on. Be sure to check in regularly to see what we’re up to!

9:10 – Back from the urgent care center. No ear infections. There’s a viral fever thing going around, but it could also just be from his cutting teeth. Picked up some doughnuts on the way home, but he’s not interested. Straight to bed without a peep.

9:24 – Digging around trying to find Deee-Lite’s first album. Been needing to get it into my iTunes for a while.

9:31 – Found it! Everybody: From the global village! In the aaage of communication! (NEW YORK CITY!) Deeeeeeeeeeeee-Lite!

9:33 – Considering catching up on my movie-watching. Watched Wild Hogs last night, which was worth it only for the surprise cameo of Mr. Kyle Gass, singing “Pony,” “Don’tcha,” and “Kiss You All Over” at the Madrid Chili Festival. OK, choosing a movie pretty much at random … … … Pathfinder it is! Hmm.

9:43 – OK, really starting the movie now. I’ve been distracted by Deee-Lite. “Try Me On … I’m Very You” gets me grooving every time. By the way, Ginuwine’s real name is Elgin Lumpkin. Good call on the stage name.

9:47 – “600 years before Columbus, North America was invaded by ruthless marauders intent on settling the shore. Something stopped them. What follows is the legend.” Of Aruba Red.

9:52 – Hey John, what ever happened to that Brotherhood of the Wolf prequel about Mani? I think I’d rather be watching that.

9:54 – Ha! A Native American Jedi Council meeting about the fate of “the boy.”

9:57 – Hey Chelsea, is there any anthropological evidence that the Vikings were as bad-ass as we think? Or, as this movie portrays them, descended from dwarves and ogres?

10:10 – I hope I never have to fight a Viking.

10:20 – Extreme Downhill Sledding. Nice. Wasn’t expecting that. What makes it extreme? Oh, how about a morgenstern, impaley tree roots, and an arrow in your back? Extreme enough for you? You’re such a wuss.

10:22 – Baby’s up. Pausefinder.

10:44 – Ollie’s mesmerized by That’s So Raven. I’m hoping it’s the fever.

10:47 – GGI frogs?! Really?

10:55 – Duder’s back in bed, the poor thing. Pathfinder!

11:22 – The movie’s not awful, it’s just … bad. Serious pacing problems (I actually dozed off in the middle), an unengaging lead, bad acting. It’s a shame, really, because it’s an interesting premise and the violence is fun and gross. I do like the look of the film. Most of it has a sepia haze and the villages and costumes look fantastic.

11:47 – What’s the Kurgan’s timeline? Could he be the head Viking in this movie? Have I been tricked into watching another effing Highlander movie?!

11:57 – OK. I’ve just upgraded Pathfinder from bad to terrible. If part of your viking action movie’s big climactic battle sequence reminds just one viewer of a Care Bear movie his little sister used to watch … you’ve failed miserably. I hereby give this movie an Fj.

12:02 – Perfect timing. Credits roll, baby wakes.

12:31 – Poor little Ollie, I feel so bad for him. We tried eating lunch with no success. He’d chew up his mini corn dogs, but then it was like he didn’t have the strength to swallow. So we tried some yogurt, thinking that would be easier. That went over better until he was grossed out by the way it mixed with the hot dog I didn’t know he was stashing in his mouth. And back to bed we go.

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I know, I know. It’s been a long time since I’ve done this. So before we get back in the routine, let’s sum up this summer’s blockbuster releases. As these are blockbusters we’re talking about, we’ll keep with the spirit of excess by citing two sentences instead of just one. Enjoy!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Umbrige showed up and it turned into a portal of death! she changed the school with 100 laws (litterally!). — Star Point Mansion

Live Free or Die Hard: What could be better then totally ripped shirtless men in capes killing hordes of men and monsters alike using only their spears and the sheer power of movie slow-motion magic, you ask? A severely bald man and the Mac is what! — Scott’s Digital Blog

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End: At one point Jack is having a discussion with himself, and out of nowhere a “good Jack” and “bad Jack” come out to offer advice to the real Jack Sparrow. Personally, I thought it was pretty gay and didn’t fit in with anything they had done in these movies previously. — I’m Bringing Ugly Back

The Simpsons: Interestingly, Xiaxue and her ang moh boyfriend just so happen to sit in front of us. They look really loving by the way – doesn’t seem like a crappy Sarong Party Girl relationship a lot of people are accusing her of. — Alvinology

Transformers: And really the decision of making them the same as the 1980’s models would have doomed the movie because no one wants to see a couple of blocks of metal put together in a block shape moving and fighting, those shapes were good for the 80’s but we are in the 21st century and the models managed to mature nicely. Jazz and Bumble Bee were the coolest of the bunch but no one can deny that Optimus Prime and Megatron’s battle was by all means “Epic”. —  Diaries

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Had a little catching up to do, so I opened up this week’s installment to some larger organizations. Hope you don’t mind.

Civic Duty: I also had the option to interview Peter Krause, but I didn’t think it would be fair to take up his time when I don’t even have a camera to film him. — Cherniak on Politics

Diggers: In fact, I don’t think there’s even a disco hit on the soundtrack. — Scarlett Cinema

The Flying Scotsman: The film contains some rough language, a suicide attempt, implied lovemaking between husband and wife, brief violence and a crass scene of urination. — Catholic Online

Jindabyne: Every australian should see this film on australia day. — somethinklocal

Lucky You: Eric Bana bears an uncanny physical resemblance to Corey Feldman in this role, and the producers really missed out on a golden opportunity by not giving this movie to Corey, since he could have handled bringing the blank character to life just as well and would have done it for peanuts. — Online Poker Insider

Spider-man 3: In conclusion, I think Sam now has in him what it takes to make successful Bollywood movies and Indian TV mega-serials. — My Story – ISB and beyond!!!

Waitress: The cinematographer here does for pastry what Elliot Davis’ cinematography did for Detroit in Out of Sight. — Pajiba

Wind Chill: The ghost cop also has the ability, I think, to turn his victims into frostbite-zombies. — Cinematical

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The Condemned: “The only thing worse than a bad movie is a bad message-movie.” — MovieBob

The Invisible: “I think the title, The Invisible, is a great title.” — Media Morgue

Kickin’ it Old Skool: “It seems to be made only for 80’s obsessed, ex break dancing Maria Menounos fans.” — The Moviezzz Blog

Next: “He really can see exactly two minutes into the future.” — A Movie Every Day

 

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